The Greasy Vampire
by StarkLovesShawarma
Summary: Twilight is the stupidest excuse for a book/movie, so here we go. WRITTEN POORLY FOR A REASON.


**I HATE TWILIGHT. this is a parody, so review if yah like, flame if yah dont! I love flames! XD This is poorly writen for a reason.**

**I don't own this ridiculously stupid excuse for a book/movie.**

Edward jumped from the trees with a quickness that was only compared to semen rushing out of a giant dick. Bella was straddling his back, making him struggle because she was so fucking fat.

"Bella, we have to stop so I can catch my breath." Edward landed on a grassy hill in a random clearing in the woods, under some trees. Bella climed off of the pale boy and crossed her arms, turning away from the greasy vampire.

"What is it my obese love?" The white faced boy touched his girlfriend's jiggly shoulder. A tear ran down her face.

"I know what you are..." Edward's eyes widened.

"S-say it." He whispered out as he grabbed a passing squirrel and sucked the blood from its ass.

"I-I don't know..." She twitched. Edward stuffed the convulsing squirrel into his back pocket as he licked his blood stained lips.

"Say it, out loud." He sternly spoke into Bella's ear. She shook.

"You're a...pedofile..." She sobbed out. Edward stepped backwards in shock.

"WHAT?! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!" Edward screamed, the dead squirell dropping from his pants.

"Don't you get it!? You're like, 113 years old or some shit! I'm 11!" Bella screamed. "What the hell, you told me you were 16!" The pale vampire pointed his blood soaked finger at her. She cried.

"You'd still be a pedofile! And plus, you're gay! I mean, what the hell kind of legit vampire glitters when he's in the sun?! AND TAKE A DAMN SHOWER FOR ONCE! YOU LOOK LIKE SOMEONE POURED FRENCH FRY GREASE ON YOUR HEAD!" Edward touched his hair. Indeed, this did leave a wet yellow liquid on his hand.

"Gross..." He said as he flung it onto Bella. She turned away from him, shivering.

"And ... Edward... The problem is...you're not real!" She cried so hard her fat giggled. Suddenly, a hoard of Twilight fangirls bursted from the woods and began to pelt Bella with hardback copies of Twilight.

"YOU NEVER SAY EDWARD ISN'T REAL! HE'S THE GREASY LOVE OF MY LIFE!" a bonde haired girl with glasses and a 'I heart edward' shirt on screamed at the bleeding Bella.

"What the fuck?! Hell no he's MINE!" A chubby purple haired girl with a shirt on that had 6000 Twilight buttons on it pushed the blonde. All of the acne ridden, glasses wearing, multicolored haired Twigirls turned into raving zombies and began to tear at each other's flesh. Edward and Bella backed away into the middle of the clearing. As the greasy vampire began to sparkle the zombie twigirls noticed this, and lunged at the gay vampire.

"I got his penis!" One of the green zombies screamed as she ripped off Edward's dick, throwing it through the air. Suddenly, a wolf flew through the air and caught it in his teeth, then landed, changing back to the hot and sexy shirtless Jacob.

"Mmmm! Edward dick! NOM NOM NOM!" The tan werewolf chewed and sucked on the greasy vampires cut off penis.

"What the hell Jacob! Our relationship is supposed to be a secret!" Edward stomped his feet and pouted.

"I KNEW YOU WERE GAY! FAN FICTION DOESN'T LIE!" Bella screamed, running away crying her fat emo eyes out. Jacob ripped off his pants and revealed a black speedo, and motioned for someone to come from the woods. A green skinned boy, a masked boy, and a robotic boy sprang from the brush. Beast Boy wore a cowboy outfit, Robin wore a Batman costume, and Cyborg was dressed as Edward.

"ITS TIME TO PARTYBOY." Beast Boy smiled as they all ripped their clothes off, now wearing speedos and bowties. The twigirls ran screaming as the 'UHNTIS' music started to play out of the tiny boombox the bloody squirell had. Rollo from the Cleveland Show walked out and laughed.

"Ohh! You all are homosexuals!" He shouted, walking away. Edward shrugged and ripped off his clothes as they all started to dance and the music stopped, everyone staring at the greasy vampire.

"Dude, we didn't know you were a woman! SICK." Jacob and the Titan boys walked away as gay naked transgender edward cried in the clearing.

"Well...at least I still glitter..." He sniffeled when suddenly a Boomer from Left4Dead totally jumped from a tree and vomited all over the greasy vampire. Then, Boomer threw ME up and I was somehow clean and not vommity. I walked over to Edward and slapped him in his greasy vampire face.

"ANYONE WHO THINKS YOU'RE REAL IS A TOTAL FAGGOT." I explained, wiping the grease from his face on my purple V-neck.

"Twilight isn't real people! Edward isn't real! Bella isn't real! Jacob isn't real, there's no such thing as vampires or werewolves or anything. I will now eat a tofu burrito." And with that, I stabbed Edward in both eyes with my finest pair of chopsticks, then ate his ripped out eyeballs. **THE END**


End file.
